The Onion
Here are the most recent articles as presented by The Onion. Enjoy!
[audio] Area Woman Recalls Days When She Resented Being Hit On
Area Woman Recalls Days When She Resented Being Hit On
Nation Horrified By Carolina Panthers’ Disturbingly Graphic Logo Redesign
Nation Horrified By Carolina Panthers\’ Disturbingly Graphic Logo Redesign
Completely Whipped Man Crying At Wife’s Funeral
Completely Whipped Man Crying At Wife’s Funeral
Area Dad Figures He’s Got At Least Three More Months Of Screwing Around Before Son Gains Ability To Form Long-Term Memories
LIVERMORE, CA—Judging by his 18-month-old son\’s recent cognitive developments, local father Ryan Hardell figures he has about three more months to get drunk, curse, and make cruel jokes before the child begins forming long-term memories. "…
Fan On The Street: On Mike Tyson Being Inducted Into WWE Hall Of Fame
On Mike Tyson Being Inducted Into WWE Hall Of Fame
TV Listings: Meet The Press
NBC
10 a.m. EST/9 a.m. CST
David Gregory finally remembers to bring in a framed photograph of his wife and kids to put on the table.
Novak Djokovic Signs Endorsement Deal With Serbia’s Top Brand Of Luxury Goats
Novak Djokovic Signs Endorsement Deal With Serbia\’s Top Brand Of Luxury Goats
FINDLAY, OH—Two hours after she woke up, Madeline Tarver, 16, crawled back in bed just to keep her mom on her toes.
FINDLAY, OH—Two hours after she woke up, Madeline Tarver, 16, crawled back in bed just to keep her mom on her toes.
Suitcase Spends All Year Looking Forward To Carousel Ride
Suitcase Spends All Year Looking Forward To Carousel Ride
Jacksonville Jags To Go Without A Head Coach For 2012
JACKSONVILLE, FL—Claiming that it "doesn\’t really make a difference," Jacksonville Jaguars officials announced Saturday they plan to play the 2012 season without a head coach.
Incest Survivor Dumped
Congressman Hurt To Discover Lobbyist Not Really His Friend
WASHINGTON—According to Capitol Hill sources, Rep. Bobby Schilling (R-IL) came to the painful realization this week that agribusiness lobbyist Stephen Fischer, who had been kind and generous toward him for months and had often met up with him for dr…
TV Listings: Downton Abbey
PBS
9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST
The hit British show has to do damage control after last week\’s episode, in which all the characters referred to the fighting in France as "World War I."
Greg Schiano Leaves Spotlight Of Rutgers Football For Low-Profile Buccaneers Job
TAMPA, FL—New Tampa Bay Buccaneers coach Greg Schiano explained to reporters Friday his decision to leave Rutgers, saying the mid-Florida football team offered his family the privacy and anonymity he missed during his years in the Rutgers spotlight.
[video] Poll: GOP Nomination Now Two-Way Race Between Mitt Romney, Total Voter Apathy
The FDA urges Americans to check out a really weird-looking potato, a suitcase looks forward all year to the carousel ride, and Syria is running dangerously low on citizens to oppress.
Area Man Finally Sees Enough Images Of Bare Breasts For Entire Lifetime
BOISE, ID—With what he described as "a deep sense of satisfaction," local man David Glean closed his laptop Tuesday after viewing his 98,344th pair of naked breasts, telling reporters he had seen enough bare bosoms in his 32 years to last …
Ron Paul Blames Florida Loss On Expensive Advertising Costs Of Poster Board, Markers
TAMPA, FL—After finishing last in this week\’s Florida primary, Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul told reporters his poor showing in the polls was caused by the prohibitively expensive cost of the poster board, markers, and tape he uses to c…
[video] Bill Belichick Rallies Team By Castrating Player In Locker Rooms
News is breaking all over Indy as the Giants reveal their plans to tackle Tom Brady, Belichick rallies the troops with genital mutilation, and Peyton Manning gets over the Colts with some casual football.
Opinion: Oh, Shit! What Day Is It? (by Punxsutawney Phil)
Boy, it feels like I just went to bed. I must\’ve hibernated on my back all weird or something. What a dream, though, wow. I wonder what time it…
American Voices: Should Sugar Be Regulated?
In a recent editorial in the journal Nature, researchers from the University of California–San Francisco suggested that as a toxic substance, sugar should be taxed and regulated like alcohol or tobacco.